


On Call

by carrowmetohell



Category: Resident Evil - All Media Types
Genre: I can't help but make them cheesy, Resident Evil - Freeform, Resident Evil 4, just stupid radio conversations between Leon and Hunnigan resi 4 style, radio call
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-19 09:09:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9431987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrowmetohell/pseuds/carrowmetohell
Summary: Small collection of skits containing radio transmissions between top American agent and zombie slayer extraordinaire; Leon S. Kennedy and U.S. government agent and loyal radio support; Ingrid Hunnigan. Mostly set during Resident Evil 4.





	1. On Call pt 1

**Author's Note:**

> The little snippets of conversation between Ingrid Hunnigan and Leon S. Kennedy during Resident Evil 4 and the animated films really make me laugh. I cannot script anything as good as the original but there are no fics in the resi sphere that deal with their radio communications so in true fanfiction fan fashion, I wrote some of my own!

HUNNIGAN: Leon. How ya holding up?  
LEON: Bad question Hunnigan.  
HUNNIGAN: Sorry to hear that, what happened?  
LEON: Bad question Hunnigan.  
HUNNIGAN: I’m still sorry to hear that but I do actually need you to answer. I have a mission report to write up and-  
LEON: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad que-  
[Hunnigan ends the call]

 

HUNNIGAN: Leon!  
LEON: What?  
HUNNIGAN: I thought you might need this.  
[Leon receives a PDF file containing his weapon manual]  
LEON: Did you just send me the manual for my weapon after I’ve used it multiple times? The same service issue weapon I’ve been using for the past 5 years?  
HUNNIGAN: I thought you might need it.  
LEON: … 

 

HUNNIGAN: Leon, mission report. Is everything okay?  
LEON: More local hostiles were… hostile  
HUNNIGAN: And the subject?  
LEON: No sign of her. But there was a woman. She seemed familiar.  
HUNNIGAN: Familiar?  
LEON: She was wearing a red dress. Quite form fitting.  
HUNNIGAN: Leon! Keep your mind on the mission!  
LEON: (scoffs)

 

LEON: Hunnigan?  
HUNNIGAN: Yes Leon?  
LEON: So the subject is…  
HUNNIGAN: …  
LEON: I’m rescuing the… A female? A woman of sorts and she’s… Known for…  
HUNNIGAN: Leon, the subject is President’s daughter.  
LEON: I knew that…

 

LEON: Hunnigan?  
HUNNIGAN: Yes Leon?  
LEON: The subject really is the President’s daughter?  
HUNNIGAN: Yes Leon, we’ve been through this! Who else would it be?! You work for the President remember?  
LEON: I just save so many woman these days I lose track. And you kept calling her the subject how am I supposed to remember her name when you do that!  
HUNNIGAN: Seriously?  
LEON: …  
HUNNIGAN: …  
LEON: …  
HUNNIGAN: (sighs)

 

LEON: Hunnigan?  
HUNNIGAN: If you ask me who the subject is again I’m going to hang up.  
LEON: But-  
[Hunnigan ends the call]  
LEON: [Whispering] but what does she look like?

 

HUNNIGAN: Why did you go into that building?  
LEON: Gut feeling.  
HUNNIGAN: Leon you knew where Ashley is, she’s in the church and you’ve been fooling around searching different buildings for the past hour! This is a time sensitive operation.  
LEON: Well sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.  
HUNNIGAN: Did you just quote Captain Kirk at me?  
LEON: Will you hang up if I say yes?  
[Hunnigan ends the call]

 

LEON: Knock knock.  
HUNNIGAN: Leon?  
LEON: Knock knock  
[Hunnigan sighs]  
HUNNIGAN: Who's there?  
LEON: Leon  
HUNNIGAN: Leon who?  
LEON: Leon S. Kennedy  
HUNNIGAN: You never cease to amaze me, you know that?  
LEON: You love me  
[Hunnigan ends the call]  
LEON (to himself): Yeeaah she loves me, all the ladies love me

 

LEON: ADA!  
HUNNIGAN: Leon?  
LEON: Hunnigan not now  
HUNNIGAN: Leon get back to the mission  
LEON: But-  
HUNNIGAN: She's just not that into you  
LEON: Wait, where you watching that whole interaction?  
HUNNIGAN: Of course not, I mean yes. It's for the mission Leon!  
LEON: Riiiight

 

HUNNIGAN: Leon! Are you purchasing weapons off some random guy?!  
LEON: I may have purchased a few.  
LEON: Why?  
HUNNIGAN: That must be illegal. You’re representing the US government here, come on!  
LEON: But he seems so trustworthy.  
HUNNIGAN: He appears to be following you deep within cultist territory.  
LEON: He isn’t mean to me.  
[Hunnigan ends the call]

 

HUNNIGAN: Leon. I'm obliged to inform you that your insurance does not cover the use of grenades or any rocket propelled weaponry.  
LEON: Figures.  
HUNNIGAN: What do you mean?  
LEON: Well I don't even get dental.  
HUNNIGAN: Really!?  
LEON: Yup, the things I do for my country...


	2. On Call pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More radio transmissions between our favourite Resident Evil Government employees.

HUNNIGAN: Leon what are you doing?  
LEON: Hair check.  
HUNNIGAN: Don’t you have more pressing matters to attend to?  
LEON: I can’t get in the zone if my hair isn’t right. God Hunnigan, it’s like you don’t even know me.  
HUNNIGAN: It’s just… Leon I can see the zombies swarming around your position, I’m really concerned about your priorities…  
LEON: Bear with… Just a little more gel here aaaaand…  
HUNNIGAN: LEON WATCH OUT!  
[Leon delivers an expertly placed roundhouse kick that clears his immediate area of the three zombies enclosing on him]  
LEON: See Hunnigan, I’m the man. 

 

ASHLEY: LEEEEEEEEEEEON HEEEEEEEEEEELP  
ASHLEY: LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEON HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP  
ASHLEY: LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEON  
LEON: HUNNIGAN WHERE ARE MY EAR PLUGS?!  
LEON: PLEASE TELL ME I HAVE SOME.  
LEON: HUNNIGAN ARE YOU THERE?  
LEON: HUNNIGAN!  
HUNNIGAN: I see you’ve rescued the target…  
LEON: *whispering* How essential, exactly, is it that I rescue Ashley?  
ASHLEY: LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEON HELP  
HUNNIGAN: Leon I didn’t quite catch that, can you repeat yourself? Is everything alright?  
LEON: OH MY GOD!!! ARE YOU SURE SHE WAS KIDNAPPED AND NOT JUST THROWN AWAY BY HER FATHER?  
ASHLEY: LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEON HELLLLLLP  
HUNNIGAN: I’m muting your microphone. I-I’m sorry…. I can’t handle it. I’ll check in later to see how you’re getting on.  
LEON: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

HUNNIGAN: I think you need to stop taunting your adversaries…  
LEON: Look I’m a highly trained and able professional that effortlessly beats my enemies whatever the odds. If I don’t taunt them Hunnigan, what do I really have?

 

LEON: It’s just like Racoon city…  
HUNNIGAN: Leon you’re waiting to pay for groceries.  
LEON: So much pain and chaos. Everyone shuffling and angry…  
HUNNIGAN: You literally describe every single task like it was Racoon city.  
LEON: So. Much. Pain….  
[Hunnigan face palms]

 

HUNNIGAN: Do you even have training?  
LEON: What does that mean? Of course I do!  
HUNNIGAN: Well maybe I don’t quite understand this timeline, but I’m pretty sure you trained to become a cop and then didn’t even get to serve your first day. Then after Racoon city you were pretty much swept up by the government because of the skills and experience you ‘acquired’. I’ve never seen your training file or any record of your training.  
LEON: Well Hunnigan. Some men are just born great.

 

HUNNIGAN: So… You and Ada?  
LEON: What about us? Is she around?  
HUNNIGAN: No, but I expect you’d know more about that than we would.  
LEON: What does that mean?  
HUNNIGAN: It means you can’t play both sides Leon…  
LEON: I know where my loyalties lie!  
HUNNIGAN: She’s not one of us Leon. She’s dangerous.  
LEON: Ada has saved me on numerous occasions. She might be dangerous but she’s had my back.  
HUNNIGAN: You’re too trusting.  
LEON: I’m a ladies man.  
*HUNNIGAN HANGS UP*  
LEON: Women…

 

LEON: Hunnigan I need a catch phrase.  
HUNNIGAN: What? Why?  
LEON: Because I’m cool enough to pull it off.  
HUNNIGAN: Riiight…  
LEON: Hell. I’m cool enough to have my own damn theme tune.  
HUNNIGAN: Is there anything serious you actually need? I really have a lot of paperwork to get through.  
LEON: Compose me a theme song and make it damn snazzy.  
[ Hunnigan sighs]

 

LEON: [Singing] I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy it hurts...  
HUNNIGAN: Do you realise you're on call?  
LEON: [Singing] I'm a model, you know what I mean. And I do my little turn on the catwalk.  
HUNNIGAN: Please God tell me you didn't butt dial me. My job doesn't allow me to terminate the call without reporting the reason for the call.  
LEON:[Singing] Oh I'm too sexy for my car. Too sexy for my car!  
HUNNIGAN: LEON?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leon is signing 'I'm to sexy' by Right Said Fred.


	3. On Call pt 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vague Christmas edition with a special guest star!

LEON: Hunnigan.  
HUNNIGAN: Leon?  
LEON: When do zombies go to sleep?  
HUNNIGAN: What?  
LEON: WHEN do zombies, go to sleep?  
HUNNIGAN: Uh… Let me check the system.  
LEON: No! Hunnigan. When do zombies go to sleep?!  
HUNNIGAN: Leon I don’t know.  
LEON: When they’re dead tired!  
[Hunnigan ends the call]

 

LEON: Hunnigan?  
HUNNIGAN: Yes?  
LEON: Where do zombies…. [static]  
HUNNIGAN: LEON?!  
LEON: Where do [static] eat [static]  
HUNNIGAN: Leon? Leon are you there?  
HUNNIGAN: You’re breaking up with me.  
LEON: [static]  
HUNNIGAN: God dammit Leon!  
LEON: Where do zombies ear their dinner?  
HUNNIGAN: What?  
LEON: The living room!  
[Hunnigan ends the call]

 

LEON: Hunnigan?  
HUNNIGAN: If this is another joke, I’m hanging up the damn call now.  
LEON: Uh… Merry Christmas…  
HUNNIGAN: Oh… Merry Christmas Leon.  
LEON: Well this is awkward.

 

HUNNIGAN: Leon you there?  
LEON: Yes ma’am.  
HUNNIGAN: You were supposed to report to me an hour ago?  
LEON: I’m sorry?  
HUNNIGAN: Your mission report? Have you got concussion again?  
LEON: I’m Leon S-damn KENNEDY. I owe no one anything!  
HUNNIGAN: What about your country?  
LEON: EXCEPT MY COUNTRY. But that’s just in the small print.

 

WESKER: AHA! You didn't expect that now did you!  
LEON: What?  
WESKER: I've hacked your communications link!  
LEON: Think you've got the wrong bloke blondie.  
WESKER: Leon?  
LEON: Ah-duh...  
WESKER: I was expecting someone else...  
LEON: Figured.  
[Leon ends the call]  
WESKER: Aaand he hung up on me...

 

LEON: Hunnigan, I need a theme song.  
HUNNIGAN: The catchphrase wasn't enough?  
LEON: I will never be satisfied!  
HUNNIGAN: You're telling me...  
LEON: What was that?  
HUNNIGAN: Nothing.

 

LEON: So about that catchphrase?  
HUNNIGAN: We're still on that are we?  
LEON: I have a one track mind.  
HUNNIGAN: How's about that?  
LEON: Not sure that'll work on the ladies...  
HUNNIGAN: Right...

 

LEON: Hunnigan?  
HUNNIGAN: BANG! And the zombies are gone!  
LEON: What?  
HUNNIGAN: Your catchphrase? Don't like it?  
LEON: No, I-  
HUNNIGAN: Leon. AAAAAAH, saviour of the zombie-verse!  
LEON: That's more of a theme tune.  
HUNNIGAN: GOD DAMN IT!

 

HUNNIGAN: Leon.  
LEON: Yeah?  
HUNNIGAN: Why did the zombie only date women with brains?  
LEON: I think you just butchered the punchline there.  
[Hunnigan ends the call]

 

HUNNIGAN: Leon you reading me?  
LEON: Loud and clear Hunnigan.  
HUNNIGAN: Why did the zombie only date intelligent women?  
LEON: Because she had lots of brains.  
HUNNIGAN: You mother-  
[Hunnigan ends the call]


	4. On Call pt 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring Luis Sera!

LUIS SERA: Hello?  
HUNNIGAN: Uh Leon? Is this another one of your impressions?  
LUIS SERA: What?  
HUNNIGAN: Because it’s actually quite good. You’ve really improved.  
LUIS SERA: I am not- Wait Leon actually does impressions?  
HUNNIGAN: Is this another one of your ‘it’s not me’ jokes?  
LUIS SERA: Aaaand he pretends to be other people?  
[Hunnigan ends the call]  
HUNNIGAN: (muttering) I hate it when he uses the third person. 

 

LEON: HUNNIGAN!  
HUNNIGAN: Leon what is it?!  
LEON: What do I do when the ROUNDHOUSE KICK DOESN’T WORK!?  
HUNNIGAN: Seriously?  
LEON: Hurry!  
HUNNIGAN: You’ve honestly never had a roundhouse kick fail?  
LEON: Woman I’m going to die here!  
HUNNIGAN: Uh… Karate chop?  
LEON: AAAAAAAAARGH  
HUNNIGAN: Leon!?  
LEON: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!  
HUNNIGAN: Leon please?! Answer me! Respond!  
LEON: My god it worked.  
HUNNIGAN: We are putting you on a training course the minute you touch American soil.  
LEON: You just can’t teach all this.

 

LEON: Hunnigan I need translation stat.  
HUNNIGAN: Alrighty, language and phrase.  
LEON: Si. Language unknown.  
LUIS SERA: Si, means yes American.  
HUNNIGAN: You’re kidding? Wait who is with you.  
LEON: (muffled) Luis Sera, a local. He’s telling me words Hunnigan. I need to verify.  
HUNNIGAN: Give me strength.  
LUIS SERA: I am telling you it means yes, idiota.  
LEON: I’m going to need a translation for idiota as well.  
(Hunnigan ends call)

 

LEON: It’s Leon.  
HUNNIGAN: You’re literally the only person who has access to this channel.  
LEON: Well someone woke up on the wrong side of the monitor.  
HUNNIGAN: That literally doesn’t even make sense.


End file.
